A need to change the world
Few people know this, but I used to embrace the National Socialism beliefs, in short Nazism. Because that was my view of the world. In my eyes, the world and life within it, was harsh, and hard. Society taught us boys, that in order to become men, we have to show no feelings..."leave the emotional stuff to the girls!" And on my own, I found, that if I want to suppress my feelings, one way to do it is to direct all my energy and focus on fully hating someone. So I directed all the hate and anger I could muster, according to the Nazi belief system. It was a systematic Self-killing mechanism. The fact that I was an introvert kept aiding this self-destructiveness. Who went through a period of introvert-ism knows fully well how the "need" to be understood overwhelms, and surpasses all else, hence it becomes relatively easy for hate and anger to take over. I was changing the world, by hating one person at a time. I didn't need to know you to hate you.
Most of all, I hated myself for not finding the courage to express myself, all that I "really" felt.
Until three years ago, I couldn't understand the meaning of the words "conditioning", and "resentment". Through Rehabilitation I struggled with questions concerning such topics, always finding myself at a dead end. I wasn't able to access memories, because of emotional blockages. It was a year after Rehabilitation that the flood gates started to open, thanks to my first Ayahuasca ceremony. I re-lived all my past painful memories, and even up to the crucifixion of Jeshua. Who upon the cross, with his last breathe, said; "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." That vision, and the sound of those words, rippled throughout my whole body. The old walls of conditioning, and false belief systems, that have hidden me in the darkness of resentment and anger, were crumbling down. All of a sudden, I was floating among stars, and Light...Light...Light was I.
And of course, again, I wanted to change the world. A ridiculous task, that comes from the ego’s avoidance, for not looking truthfully and honestly into oneself. Two years down the line...I realized that the world never changed. Since the first human attempt to record Life, till this day; war, greed, and lust for power over others, have been predominant throughout history. It is not in this modern age that we became sexually defiant. So, what changed?
I changed. The perspective from which I see things changed. I simply try and look within, so to gaze at the world with eyes of Love. That changed. And...surprise surprise...people around me started to change! My father, mother, brother...my boss, my colleague...they all changed! All I did was simply "no thing". I just started being less false, and more me.
If you still feel the "need" to change the world...well...start by fully loving yourself. We all can do with some little more of self-love.