Voices in Gold - The Inside W/Hole
taken by Karl Sciberras during Steven Levi Vella's BlackPorn exhibition
Steven Levi Vella www.steven-vella.com
The below reading follows a period of two weeks, where till the last moment I posted it, I kept editing and adding text to it. What you will read, was happening to me in real life. While I searched for words to write, they were coming alive. There I saw, how much an illusion can be felt as real. Sleepless nights, and head full of doubts, the space around me was full of voices, each one having something to say. Many were the moments that I approached pen and paper, but my fingers struggled to write. Until...
I love being alone. There is a sense of peace, and at the same time, some form of "unquietness". It provides me the space to see with some clarity, my behavior, response, and sometimes reactions towards circumstances.
Said that, I have to mention how hard it is most times to be among people. One reason for that is; I always preferred to observe others, out of curiosity and fascination, instead of engaging. "Laid back" is the word. The thing is, that now I have to be "out there" for the life I wish to create for myself. Writing, traveling, is what I wish to do, and all that is spiced up when I get to meet and know people. Different cultures and traditions, present so many different perspectives for the same reality. What comes to mind, is that love for strangers...without the need to know.
I kiss her, as She holds softly my neck. Although we don't know each other, from that gaze we recognized one another.
You see...that's how easily I drift into dreams. Being alone gives you something. After a while your mind starts getting hold of that, and doesn't want to loose it, as if it is something that you possess. So it grabs tighter and tighter. But how can you loose something that you don't have? It's not that it's not there, but because that is you. Can your heart escape you, when it's alive, beating in your chest? Happiness come from the word "happening", constantly there in being.
We have been born in a world that is divided within itself.
Our ego structure had to separate whatever we perceive, in order to survive. Labels and purposes given, to "things" that are only in themselves "being". For our mind not to get overwhelmed, it has to distinguish and define, separating one thing from the other. This brought mankind to flourish in artistic expression, where what one does, is manifesting through medium, that, which in itself holds no expression, language, hence it's invisible. Great works of art have been created, where the sore eye finds meaning for beauty.
Yet, I wonder about the truth that resides behind the sight. Who is the one looking? From which place is "it" seeing?
We look "outside", and see all these wonders, and beauty figures, sometimes wishing to have it ourselves; a wish that comes out from a false belief of incompleteness. Born in a society, which tells you who you have to be, and what you have to do, we get lost in all that we are not. Achievements and expectations get higher, and never enough. The mask replaces Truth. For in a world that wants and needs structures like religion, and other institutions, out of its own insecurity, there is no proper place for reflection. It sets you in a movement of continuous unconscious "doing". You have to "do" in order to find fulfillment. Yet, from that "doing" we never get fulfilled.
Who hasn't felt, that infinite black hole inside? Insatiable, always hungry, and never satisfied.
With spirituality on the rise, we became eager to discover more of ourselves. Soul searching, and self seeking, are now in fashion. Fueled (to a certain extent) from rebellion against religion, which has been imposed on us for centuries, we thought we have found the answer in spirituality. Yet, spirituality holds a finer and more deceiving mask. We have twisted every word that has been passed on to us by the sages. The term "detachment" and "flow", are shaping most of our relationships. Fewer people are willing to commit to a relationship, and that includes myself. So many many places to see and explore, so many people to know and experience...how can one tie him/herself down with such a hindrance like a relationship and having a family? Yet, we are missing the point. In contrast to religion, spirituality has brought more openness, hence why the "distractions out there", have become more seductive and alluring. Coming to it, it is pretty simple; the one searching, is the one he/she is searching for. And yet, even now you can observe your mind twisting those words. It only means that, once you have accepted yourself "fully" as what you are, you won't differentiate or distinguish those with whom you will be.
There is nothing wrong with religion, or spirituality, as long as you don't make labels out of them. Like anything else, by which you tend to describe yourself, you're only covering the Truth. This I have seen with my own experience. After finishing rehab, I started going to NA meetings, where every individual starts his/her sharing, by introducing him/herself. In this case; "Hi! My name is Matthew, and I am an addict". After a year, repeating this to myself, something came into my field of awareness. During this time, I was working in an office environment, where I saw people addicted to; food, coffee, smoking, sweets, and than, when they drink, they drink as a form of a gratifying punishment. Then I told myself; "Seems like everyone is an addict. For how long will I keep on judging myself, by putting such a label that only installs more fear from living Life fully?" A label comes out of judgment for oneself, and with that, you start judging others by that same theory.
Become aware of the voices in your head, and of the place from where you are "seeing". You won't feel judged, unless you're judging yourself in the first place.
The one who is "seeing", gets captured by the label, for it gives some form of existential purpose. From then on, he/she will start believing that he/she is only that. Hence why you come to believe that you're not enough and need "something" or "someone" to make you complete, because if you're one, you can't be the other (according to the mind structure that stems out of definition; defining something by giving it shape with purpose and meaning). Man shouldn't show their feelings, they have to be hard, and go to work in order to provide. Woman should be like a fairy-tale princess, all dainty and set up waiting for her prince to make her pregnant so to have kids. The new trend is that you should further your education and achieve a higher social status. The ego-centric belief, that because we are "humans", our lives are more precious, therefore we have to do "something out of it", making us running after a purpose or meaning throughout our whole lives.
That's the kind of bullshit that we have been fed and feeding to ourselves in turn, only to perpetuate the pain from generation to the next, created from the separation with our true selves (GOD/Soul/Spirit/Universe). Maybe we should try to have a good honest look inside of ourselves, and from there we can go do whatever we love...doing it not because we have been told, but for the sake of loving it.
That make-up, that suit, that car, that golden watch, won't make you more than you already are. Because perfection, cannot be "more perfect" - it already "is". And that, "is you"; naked from all the lies, and masks that we all put up out of shame. Yet, we don't know of what we are ashamed of. Basically we are ashamed from being nothing else but ourselves, instead we choose to be an actor in a role. Whatever we think we are, we're not, because the one seeing from behind those eyes, can't see him/herself. Whatever is seen, is a mere reflection, which feedbacks back to you, your own state of being.
Bearing your body naked, at the opportunity of sexuality, for your lover and yourself, to gaze upon...will get you to know what I mean. Naked you will be, when you stop talking, and simply listen to the Soul that makes your heart beat. For there is no thing to say, but everything to see; without the shame of being who you are.
Model: Kira Drury
Oh my Magdalene, let they who are full of shame, be disgraced by your beauty; for their tongues know only hatred and judgment. Whereas your only sin, was Love.
There is a field of infinite ground, pulsating with Life. It is from where all flowers grow, and all butterflies come to fly. It is from there, that you take shape, as in body and form. Yet you are not only the flower, or the butterfly that flutters from petal to petal...you are the field that from existence nurtures itself, and all else. You have always been happening, and taken care of, supported in all your dreams and experiences.
Can you stay from trying to fill that hole,
because it in itself is already whole.
There's a fine line of thin air, separating the mask,
from the one who wears it.
Note: the italic text is the inner-dialogue, some times automatically structured in poetry, that was happening in me. You can say that those words are what created the rest.
I am not saying that this it the truth, for Truth is the marriage of all our different realities. This, is mine...for the moment in time.
I honestly want to thank those that collaborated with me to bring this text together. I can say, that with them, it feels complete;
Steven, Nicole, Nicky, Kira, & Justine