An Introvert's Extroversion
photo credits: Alena Vasileva
After a Winter of severe loneliness, and heartache, Spring is here, and I decided to set out in writing this guide. All the written aspects, are of course from my own experience, knowing that it might not be an easy task as I first thought. Why? Maybe simply because this is going to require me, getting out of my own way, and off script from my usual style of writing, in order not to create dark spaces of poetry where the "introvert" can hide once, and time again. The task is to try exposing, and hopefully understand better, a world which is hidden. Hidden because that's how it is liked, and loved to the point of self-disappearance. A world which casts no shadows, for it lives entirely in one.
I am someone that was completely closed in himself, seeing and observing everything from afar, very careful to the point of being afraid. Seeing other children enjoying themselves in play, I pondered about the meaning of it, because in me, there was no interest in such things. When I moved myself to do something, I moved in ten difrent directions, thought ten different scenarios with ten unique endings, hence why fear, and anger, increased tenfold.
I lived Life within a dream, looking forward for sleep, so to be free. For those of you that might wander, I had a very normal childhood, happy to say the least. A loving family surrounded me, but for some reason, I couldn't feel as part of it. My mind brought doubts, if those were my real parents, for I saw myself so much estranged from them. If some form of conviction about that acquired doubt, managed to bring a short lived reassurance, the next questions would follow on and on, in endless strikes. The only pause, was daydreaming.
Would I be me, if my parents where different people? What shape would I have, if my dad had married another woman, or my mother another man? Would Life "be looked at" the same? Was there the chance for me, to be something else, a bird, a butterfly, or a flower? Who is looking?
Those are already too much unexplainable questions, which can never find a satisfactory answer. So imagine all that, happening in the mental capacity of a ten year old. Here, I would like to draw a pause, so to iterate the fact, that I am not, and don't deem myself as special because of these things. After all, I am writing this "guide", because I know that there are others sharing the same lens of perception, most times not knowing what is happening. Because of this thirst to know, and the natural stance to observe, an introvert will put oneself in the shadows. Most time, he/she will situate oneself behind an extrovert, so to facilitate the interaction with others. This is where both extremes, help each other in finding an alchemical balance.
That is how it was for me, until a year ago. I am still fresh in this, balancing out both extremes. From the inward pull of the introvert, can come out a hyper impulsivity, based more on the hunger of action, thanks to years of suppression. Like a one way stretched elastic band, it will go wildly erratic. And you know what? For me that was the beauty of it; to finally taste this freedom of "non thought forward drive". I learned allot of lessons through that, which were key for me to understand better myself, and how much I believed in the illusion "of not being able to". I was doing things I never imagined myself doing, and the amazing thing, was realizing that I am not thinking about what should, or am doing. I was discovering the freedom of spontaneity, where the judgement of myself was lessening radically fast. A deep recognition happened there to the question "who is looking?" - I am looking, but that "I" holds no beliefs in regard to what "I" might be.
If you are now saying to yourself; "well, it's easier said than done" - well, that's your mind trying to suck you back in. Because if I can do it, so can you. And if you ask; "who are you to know what I went, or am going through?" - well, I was a heroin/cocaine addict between the age of 22 till that of 33, and an introvert since I can remember. Now, I don't see myself as anything. Practising not to get attached to any ideas, that my mind constructs about myself. Although, I am attached to one description, and that is "eccentric", because not even I, can understand myself - and I am ok with that.
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For more of my writings you can check out my instagram profile; mbrincat - or my book that is available to purchase from here:
Matthew is the author of the book Random "the choices we have forgotten about". The book has sold out all its first 300 copies, in 6 months, with the second edition already selling over 100 copies. Coming from the tiny island of Malta, where literature is not placed at such a high regard, this was something that went beyond any expectation had. The book even touched countries like; Germany, Austria, Slovakia, Bulgaria, Italy, and Spain.